So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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