thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
