get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Sober January is a disaster.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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