Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
