It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
