I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
