It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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