From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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