How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
They took my balls.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
