god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
