Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
