it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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