I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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