So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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