She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
