her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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