Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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