Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
