i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
