This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
