don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
