I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it glows. i had to have it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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