did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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