Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
