They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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