1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
