I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
