So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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