go do what you do best...puke behind churches
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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