I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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