You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
