Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
