I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i think i have two assholes
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
