I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
