I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
