you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
