My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
