Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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