He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
