My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
