Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
