Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
