Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
