well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
