Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
