I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
