I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
