There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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