I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
