I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
