so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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