I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Randomize
