Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
