don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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