he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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